i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
