I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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