I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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