jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
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