i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
