my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
