remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
