Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
