Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
