My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They took my balls.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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