You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
