The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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