Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
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