I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
