I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
