sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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