He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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