He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
