I wish they made helmets for livers.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
