no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
