White coat. Heels.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
