can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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