I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Randomize
