i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Semen is not good for contacts.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
