Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
