At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Randomize
