Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
