Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize