my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
