If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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