I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
