I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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