In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
