I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
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all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
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While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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