Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
