Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
