My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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