in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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