Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
someone threw a dead crab at me
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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