Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
