I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I wish there were birth control emojis
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.