i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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