dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!