He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
