he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
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I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
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Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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