My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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