my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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