He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I have peed in a lot of sinks
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize