Michael Bay diarrhea
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
