I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
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I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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