Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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