Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
