booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
