i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
