Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
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i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
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Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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