EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
